A note to a Friend (Part IV)

As time flew by, ESQ165* came
Guided me through - indeed I'm game
From there onwards, my life have changed
tis certainly is not the same!

My wife, you encouraged me to do what`s right
And kept me from doing what`s wrong
You are the last bastion of hope that I have
that raised me up and kept me strong.

Pilgrims circumbulating the Kaabah, photo taken from top level Masjidil Haram
Click on photo to enlarge

I humbly sought Allah's guidance and grace
and set out to perform the Haj
repenting for all sins and asking for
Allah's forgiveness and a brand new heart.

O Allah we are grateful for making us realize
That we Muslims are indeed a capable lot
If we are forever united to play our part
Steadfastly in Solat, and forever giving our best shot.



Satria ESQ!
Go! Go! Go!

Satria ESQ!
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Satria ESQ!
Win! Win! Win!

*ESQ165 is a leadership training programme. More information on ESQ165 please visit http://esq.com.my/

(Next installment - Part V)

A note to a Friend (Part III)

When I set out writing unsent emails to her
It was simply to pacify my sorrow and grief
In my hour of need she abandoned me
Incapacitated, unable to respond, I had to leave.

A frail old man was always there for me
A word from him is what it would take
to cause her relationship to break.

Dear Daddy, it really does not matter
If my heart is destined to be shattered by your beloved daughter
Her happiness was all I have ever wanted
I gladly back off, being rejected.
The old man's trust was a burden to bear
I was only getting in her way, and that was not fair.

Being a person trained to be honourable
to place all my cards on the table
Being sincere and got nothing to hide
I'll gladly face anything without a sigh.

Least I know she's sheltered from the storm
Snugly and warm safe from harm.
Being displaced - my presence undesired.
Enough was said, my time had expired.

Looking back, I know, I am just a fool
To permit myself being used as a tool
All hope was lost, I was alone
My splintered heart had turned to stone.



I could no longer bear the pain
If I stayed on much longer I'll be insane.

My dear friend, tis is hard to say goodbye
when one's heart was split apart
No bird can fly with broken wings
No one can live with a broken heart.

A volunteer came and became my wife,
She picked up the pieces and helped me to strive
To my wife, I gave my broken heart, nurtured
Tis was hard to mend, it had fallen apart
It was like building a house with only sand
Trusting my judgement till the end.

(Next installment - Part IV)

A Note to a Friend (Part II)

The room's spinning, I felt, as I reflect further
My heart and mind failed to synchronize and won`t let go
I doubted myself and know not what to tell you
And unsure If I should ever let you know.

Now I come to the difficult point
with grave difficulty to event start
I could end up rambling madly on and on
While despair sets in quickly in my heart.

All those times I spoken to you
It may appear to you that perfectly I am alright
Maybe its time I'll let you know
Great many times I cried myself to sleep at night.

As I`m laying motionless all day dreaming
trying to divert my mind but lost without a clue
Incapable to pen these thoughts coherently
for I am still far away from being through.

The affliction I had, I vowed to never let you see
My failing health & broken heart kept on hurting me
For alone I endured the hurt, the tears and the pain
Forever hiding myself from others, in the rain.

Frankly, I never believe I would ever recover
Longing to embrace the end that might well be near
Maybe my time's up and tis just around the corner
If not today, tomorrow or perhaps the day after.

Now time had passed and all of that is over
I`ve started again and hopefully I am now free
Sis, you probably wouldn't have the slightest idea
What you had actually done to me.

As I`m now calmly writing this down
I recalled being lonely, confused and had nothing to look forward to
Yes, shamefully its really true...
My principle idea of worldly happiness was
a simple notion of spending my entire life with you.

True love are the ones we keep close
The ones that one couldn't live without
The ones who really touched your hearts
Once you were mine, beyond a doubt.

I`m almost done writing to you my dear
I hope I had made it crystal clear
That I had really loved you so very much
And had always prayed for you to be here.

(next installment - Part III)

A Note to a Friend (Part 1)

As Maher Zain's song humming faintly via the pc speakers
I watched from my office window, the peaceful lake across the street
Wondering in my dreams tonite - with whom I shall meet?
It won't be Prophet Mohammad, doubtfully, I fear
For He, the Chosen One, feels so distant from me - I am sure.

Scribbling pointlessly without a plan
Don`t know how to start and what to say
O Allah, I have so many things on my mind
I pray thee, please let me find my way.
(Thanks Maher Zain -yes, Insya Allah I'll find my way)

I`ll start by saying that you are amazing
Once, you really meant the world to me
without your presence in my life
I won't know where I would be.

Did you know that I dearly miss you?
I haven`t seen you for a long while
I miss all of the fun we had
I really miss seeing you smile.

It was just like yesterday it seems
I doubt you know how is it like to live, perpetually in a dream?

As I`m contemplating on this matter
Not sure what else to add or say
Probably you`re now wishing in your dismay
That Potter would make me disappear or go away.

Zam-zam alakazam... (blimey... wrong script, wrong movie)

I tried desperately to stop this monologue
But my poor heart is silently screaming "Otokajo!*"
I suppose if I don`t tell you now
Then you`ll never ever know.

Yes, it perfectly fine if I won`t get another chance
I'll just pen my thoughts for the world to see
To tell you how I really feel
That what I had for you was truly real.

* Korean for "What should I do?"

Andai kutahu

Baru-baru ini penulis ditahan di wad kecemasan di salah sebuah hospital swasta di Shah Alam untuk beberapa jam kerana para doktor ingin membuat beberapa ujian dan pemerhatian. Setelah sampel darah dan ujian ECG untuk pemeriksaan jantung dilakukan, penulis telah diarahkan untuk berehat beberapa ketika diwad tersebut. Oleh kerana berasa bosan dengan keadaan wad yang terkongkong dan ubat yang kononnya boleh menidurkan penulis seolah-olah tidak berfungsi, penulis telah mencapai notebook, menyemak email google yang tidak dapat diakses selama masa penulis bercuti bersama keluarga ke luar negara.

Ah...nampaknya ada beberapa email yang penting dan dihantar oleh rakan-rakan bertanyakan khabar (kerana hilang dari tugas buat beberapa ketika) dan juga terdapat 2 email dari seseorang insan yang amat dikenali oleh penulis. Bagai bermimpi sahaja mendapat email sebegini. Apakah gerangan kandungannya? maka tanpa berlengah lagi kedua email tersebut dibuka dan dibaca.

Sakitttt... bukannya sedap!

Email penting rupanya...maka mahu tak mahu, penulis terpaksa menjawab email tersebut. Dari pengalaman pahit penulis, sekiranya surat menyurat, email dan/atau panggilan telefon walau dari seberang laut sekalipun dari insan istimewa ini gagal dijawab atau dibalas dalam kadar segera, maka masalah besar akan timbul. Sakit atau sibuk bertungkus lumus menyiapkan kerja dan/atau assignment tidak boleh dijadikan alasan yang boleh diterima kerana pada kacamata dan sudut pandang beliau, ianya hanya alasan remeh semata-mata. Boleh jadi, hanya alasan atau penerimaan berita kematian penulis sahaja yang boleh diterimapakai sebagai alasan yang munasabah. Oleh kerana penulis yang dari dahulu lagi telah menerima segala baik buruk kelebihan dan kekurangan yang ada pada insan istimewa tersebut dan amat memahami kerenah beliau, penulis tiada pilihan selain melupakan seketika kesakitan yang dialami oleh penulis, masalah kesukaran untuk bernafas, demam panas, kesejukan penghawa dingin wad kecemasan hospital, serta sakit akibat tusukan 2 batang jarum drip yang dimasukkan oleh jururawat ditangan kanan dan lengan kiri penulis untuk tujuan memasukkan ubat dan juga kebingitan bunyi mesin ECG yang berdecit-decit membingitkan telinga, penulis dengan perlahan-lahan mengetik keyboard notebook untuk menjawab email penting tersebut.

Persoalan timbul mengenai salah satu kandungan blog penulis. Telah penulis terangkan dengan panjang lebar didalam email namun seolah-olah jawapan yang diberikan tidak menepati kehendak skema beliau. Selaras dengn sabda Nabi S.A.W, sesungguhnya setiap amalan adalah berdasarkan kepada niat orang yang membuat perbuatan tersebut. Sekiranya sesuatu amalan atau perbuatan niatnya baik, maka baiklah juga kesudahannya. Sekiranya dari awal lagi sesuatu perbuatan diniatkan dengan tujuan buruk atau dengan sengaja diniatkan untuk menyakiti atau mengaibkan orang lain, maka buruklah juga natijahnya. Buruklah juga balasannya disisi Allah. Niat terletak kepada pelaku perbuatan dan bukan kepada tanggapan orang lain. Masih terngiang-ngiang ditelinga penulis apa yang diajarkan oleh ustazah Masulang (guru penulis semasa tingkatan 1A di SMKA Maahad Hamidiah)... "antum semua mesti hafal hadis No. 1 ini (innamal a'malu bin niyat..ila akhir hadith... bukan sahaja matan hadis tapii dengan sanad-sanadnya sekali! Kalau tak lancar, pelajar tak kira lelaki atau perempuan akan didenda berdiri atas kerusi!).

Itulah sebahagian dari sketsa kehidupan penulis yang penuh dengan cabaran dan dugaan. Penulis ridha, pasrah serta insaf dengan kekurangan diri ini, namun akan sentiasa berusaha untuk memperbaiki segala kekurangan yang ada, untuk diri sendiri, keluarga, masyarakat, negara, bangsa dan agama. Sabda nabi juga, "Qullil haq wa lau kana murran" Katakanlah yang benar walau ianya pahit. Pahit itulah penawar. Tiada manusia yang sempurna. Setiap manusia dan juga makhluk ciptaan Allah adalah unik. Ada kelebihan dan kekurangan dan tidak boleh disamakan pukul rata. Sekiranya kita menghakimi dan menyamakan orang lain sama sahaja dengan keperluan dan kehendak diri kita, kemungkinan besar kita akan tersilap sudut pandang dan mudah timbul salah faham. Itulah pesan guruku yang masih ku pegang sehingga ke hari ini.

Sama ada yang pahit atau yang manis akan ku terima dan ku telan juga dengan sabar dan syukur.

Andai kutahu - by Unggu

Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba ajalku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan tolong panjangkan umurku

Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba masaku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan jangan Kau ambil nyawaku

Aku takut
Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut
Dosa yang terus membayangiku

*Instrumental*

Andai kutahu
MalaikatMu kan menjemputku
Izinkan aku
Mengucap kata tobat padaMu

Aku takut
Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut
Dosa yang terus membayangiku

Ampuni aku
Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku
Menangisku bertobat padaMu

Aku manusia
Yang takut neraka
Namun aku juga
Tak pantas di surga

Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba ajalku
Izinkan aku
Mengucap kata tobat padaMu

Aku takut
Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut
Dosa yang terus membayangiku

Ampuni aku
Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku
Menangisku bertobat padaMu